Disclaimer: I didn't make all of these up myself.
Why does Hawaii have Interstate Highways?
A lot of people have trouble getting married because they can't find the perfect person. That's silly, because if you ever found a perfect person, what would they want with you?
Why is the third hand on a clock called the 'second' hand?
Take it from the Darwin Award's staff: dishwashing liquid is not a good substitute for brake fluid.
Be polite to supermarket clerks. If you make them mad, they'll go on the PA and say, "I need a price check on the jumbo Preparation H."
Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
I asked a girl out, and she said, "I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man alive!" So I said, "if I was the last man alive, you wouldn't even be allowed to stand in line!"
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
Buy lottery tickets. It's the tax on people who are bad at math.
Why do people fill their garages with worthless junk, and leave cars that cost thousands of dollars in the driveway?
Before the whiteman came to this land, there was no debt and no taxes. Medicine was free, women did all the work, and a guy could go fishing or hunting whenever he felt like it. What made the whiteman think he could improve that?
Why is it called after dark, when it's after light?
If nothing sticks to teflon, how do they get it to stick to the pan?
Law was invented by annoying people, to keep regular people from killing them.
Why do you recite at a play and play at a recital?
Do they ever put pictures of runaway trains on milk cartons?
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Light a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
If God didn't want us to eat meat, why did He make it taste so good?
I never wanted to be a cop, until I learned from cop movies that in order to solve any crime, you have to make at least one stop at a strip joint.
Bad guys in Kung Fu suits have an unwritten code of honor that says no matter how badly they outnumber you, they'll only attack one at a time.
Drive slow in our town. We have two graveyards and zero hospitals.
God said, "and that, Noah, is how to build the ark. Any questions?" Noah said, "yeah, what's a cubit?"
My sister said, "but Officer, I couldn't help hitting that man. He walked right in front of my car." The cop said, "that may be true, Miss, but this is his backyard."
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of Progress?
There's no beating death and taxes, but at least death doesn't get worse every year.
Some movies are so bad that they weren't released, they escaped.
Swearing was invented to create a middle-ground between fighting and running away.
Need a job? Cigarette companies are always looking for people who can say, 'cigarettes don't cause cancer', with a straight face.
I lost my dog. Have you seen him? He's got three legs, no tail, one eye, and he answers to the name Lucky.
Deer only hit cars in self-defense.
This version of the Bible, for modern readers, goes a bit too far. Instead of saying David slew Goliath it says he kicked the ---- out of him.
Four out of five dentists say you should brush your teeth after every meal, the fifth one is sure you have something better to do.
When you're trying to solve your problems, it's not wise to ask, "what would Bugs Bunny do in this situation?"
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The tech support guy said, "look, if you don't keep the thermostat below 75 degrees, the computers will overheat." Some woman retorted, "oh yeah. So how did they keep the computers from overheating before there was air conditioning?"
The main difference between Las Vegas and Washington DC is that in Las Vegas, people usually gamble with their own money.